He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
