when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
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