What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
