Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
