He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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