the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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