is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
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