Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
