I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
