I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
