Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I have post one night stand depression
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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