i would punch a child for taco bell
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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