You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
