I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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