Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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