My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
