yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
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