At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
