I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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