dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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