You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
