I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
