Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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