someone threw a dead crab at me
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
