you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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