guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
