I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
