Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
