I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
