Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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