Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
