Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
