The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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