dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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