shes about as inviting as chlamydia
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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