Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
