im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
