he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Shame - the story of my life.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
