i was born a porn star she said
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
When did angry sex become our thing?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
