I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
did i just pee glitter
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