check it out our google latitudes are spooning
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
