Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
