So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
birth control should be required to get into college
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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