I forgot how hot balto sounded
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
