Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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