Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
