We won't sleep together?
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Can Purell be used as lube?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
