I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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