Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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