Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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