Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
