Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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