the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
