I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
