party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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