Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
