I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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