I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
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