I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
