Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
