i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
