i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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