In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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