I don't usually arrange sex via text message
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
